標題: [Eng] 英文作文改評(3) [打印本頁]
作者: EtaCarinae 時間: 2014-1-10 11:51 PM 標題: 英文作文改評(3)
Write an essay on the following topic: “As a young person, you must have a lot of dream. If you were granted the opportunity to fulfill ONE dream, what would that be? Why would you want that one dream to come true?”
A dream that may not be fulfilled
Everyone has their own dreams, especially youngsters. It is because there are plenty of possibilities in their life. As a member of them, I, myself, have various kinds of dreams which I really want to reach them. However, there are lots of dreams that they cannot be controlled by me. For myself, I want to be a war reporter due to the attention of related people in the wars. For my parents, I hope they are long life. For my society, I aim she can become more harmonious. For the world, I wish she is peaceful. Nevertheless, those cannot be reached easily by myself. But if I were provided a chance to fulfill my dream, I would choose the last one.
The influences of wars are very deep, including the shrinking of population and the violence among the societies. A good example of this is the war of Middle East. It is the differences between Islam and Christianity that causes the war among those countries. The armies always kill the citizens wrongly. They may be a foreign reporter, a parent of a child… Violence among the societies are stem from the wars as well. Nationals may rob other’s possessions or attack people during the war. Harmony is not a word in the dictionary of those societies. So terrible is the war in our Earth.
The fear of war leads to my dream of world peace. If my dream can be reached successfully, it is what a wonderful world. Imagine that it is a world with no wars. No people are killed because of the wars. The children can live with their fellow parents in a beautiful house with health. And the war reporters? Their works will certainly be cancelled but leave the post with happiness. It is confidences among citizens that make the harmonious communities. People can trust someone around them. People can believe that no one will attack themselves because of wars. We all can lives in those secure places which are the paradise for us. Such a beautiful world is our Earth.
Therefore, the reason of fulfilling my dream is that human can lives in the peaceful world. In fact, my other dreams can also be reached by fulfilling the dream of having a peaceful world. Nonetheless, I have no opportunity to reach one of my dream which is being a war reporter. Actually, who really wants to be a member of them? I am happy if there are no jobs for the war reporters. I am happy if my dream can be reached.
[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-11 12:00 AM 編輯 ]
作者: iamanarcissist 時間: 2014-1-11 01:15 AM
1)The title is very pessimistic, plus, it doesnt fit the topic given to u, which is about the one dream that u want to fulfill - whether it can be fulfilled or not is not within the discussion.
2)"Everyone has their own dreams, especially youngsters. It is because there are plenty of possibilities in their life. "
This statement makes sense. But i would rearrange it to make it sound better, e.g.
There are plenty of possibilities in life, especially in our life, the unsettled youngsters' life. We dare to dream about making the impossible possible. If i were granted a chance to fulfill my dream, i would choose to...
3) it is simply difficult to write on 'world peace'. i would choose another theme to write on. U are writing really general stuff that ppl can probably find in history textbooks. If so, i would rather read history textbooks but not ur writing.
This topic is about YOUR dream, so i would really devote my time and brainpower into thinking what kind of dream would move myself. i would put my effort into recollecting wt sort of things would make myself shed tears or ignite my own passion and give me motivation. This topic is ultimately about urself, a young, passionate and confident individual. I won't write BIG themes like world peace.
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-11 01:33 AM
it should be war correspondent I think
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-11 01:44 AM
Your sentences somehow seem so strange to me, though there are just a few grammatical mistakes. My only suggestion is to choose your words carefully.
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-11 01:46 AM
people do not write like this.
作者: EtaCarinae 時間: 2014-1-11 01:55 AM
陰公好似作得好差咁
老實我係RETAKER黎
上年英文拎3 (3323)
自問上年英文係差到 i am play balls..唔知by/ on等等既字後面個verb要+ing，亦唔識好多句法 但都拎到3..
買埋卷作文都係lv3頭差d lv4
今年進步左好似反而退步咁既
即係作文係唔應該寫世界性問題
而係關於自己既問題多d?
另外個題目其實唔算負面..
我係想講我的確係想做戰地記者，但如果世界和平的話，我當然寧願唔想依個夢想可以實現..
唔可以咁寫咁應該點換個題目?
[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-11 02:03 AM 編輯 ]
作者: EtaCarinae 時間: 2014-1-11 12:32 PM
推推推推推
作者: iamanarcissist 時間: 2014-1-11 02:15 PM 標題: 回覆 6# EtaCarinae 的帖子
題目其實唔算負面.....你既解釋真係曲線到get唔到
即係作文係唔應該寫世界性問題而係關於自己既問題多d?
>> 你暫時未handle 到世界性問題,
唔好講咁大話世界, 你剛剛寫香港社會 都有好多改善空間
唔係話唔寫得, 但係你要黎緊dse 就寫 d需要 宏觀既theme, given 3個月時間, 要突然handle 得好好係好大難度,
就算你肯博曬老命狂煲economist, time 去擴闊&加深國際視野, 其實亦唔化算。
呢一題容許你寫自己既事, 我會視之為著數
通常寫自己野, 親身經歷, 個人感受 etc 都係較易寫得好
當然唔係所有題目都可以俾你up 自己野啦,
所以對社會時事 /自身以外的事 建立critical thinking, 咁基本上都可以應付dse writing
我會rewrite 囉, 係自己對自己要求, 同埋從不斷既摸索中&對自己舊野既不滿中 你自己會知道乜野係好d
作者: iamanarcissist 時間: 2014-1-11 02:26 PM 標題: 回覆 1# EtaCarinae 的帖子
俾d 實際suggestions 你
expressions 可以interchange:
fulfill my dream
realise my dream
achieve my goal
make my dream come true
reach my dream
另外我唔知你篇野咩grade, 我唔係marker, 不過講真如果有人響forum度俾個5你, 你係咪就會繞埋雙手等到dse, 打算食老本?
post 文上forum 唔會係諗住俾人讚或者係要人肯定掛
作者: EtaCarinae 時間: 2014-1-12 02:16 AM
好，我會再改善
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-12 06:49 PM
語文就係咁
唔識英文又係3 識多少少又係3
睇運
作者: 蒜蓉包 時間: 2014-1-12 09:33 PM 標題: 回覆 1# EtaCarinae 的帖子
should be 'As for my family, I hope my parents will live long.'
作者: jameschong 時間: 2014-1-14 12:05 PM
In my opinion, the topic itself is very awkward. To the best of my knowledge, HKEAA won't require candidates to write on such an ambiguous topic. If you really want to train your writing, try to attempt those appearing in the past papers.
Speaking of your essay, I reckon that it is somewhat nutritionally skewed ,which means that you write too much on the first paragraph, while neglecting to develop your ideas in the body paragraphs. Your views towards wars will surely be appreciated by the markers, but it is anticipated that your opponents, other candidates, will produce similar ideas. The best approach should be writing something closely related to your daily life, and showing your deep reflection of your life.
Language: a mess. Some sentences are incomprehensible for me. e.g. Their works will certainly be cancelled but leave the post with happiness
333= 9/21
作者: nightsirius 時間: 2014-1-16 01:53 AM
樓主你要知道放文上小卒改預左好慘烈
好老實如果你真係係限時作到依篇文已經好過好多學生
好多人改文係當正你用成個星期黎作..然後再慢慢搵你錯誤點，咁當然係評得好差
但唔難發現EAA既LV5 SAMPLE文都有唔少GRAMMAR錯，甚至係串錯低層次既字
根本要係咁短時間作一篇好好既文係冇咩可能
btw grade我唔敢比，因為老師先係最知道你係咩grade
但如果真係考試都作到咁，我覺得有lv5
始終你既grammar唔算係錯得太多，句式都有d變化，而且句與句連繫幾多
只不過寫自己野真係會好過寫d大路野
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-16 02:06 AM
d老師識條春咩
DSE只要英文有4
五科拎4都唔洗 就入到教院
6年後你就可以教英文
作者: clavin369 時間: 2014-1-16 02:07 AM
咪又係亂改
作者: nightsirius 時間: 2014-1-16 02:26 AM
引用:
原帖由 clavin369 於 2014-1-16 02:06 AM 發表 
d老師識條春咩
DSE只要英文有4
五科拎4都唔洗 就入到教院
6年後你就可以教英文
同埋中學好少請教院仔...
只可以講如果連老師都係亂改，好多人係網上就更加係亂黎
作者: cakirby 時間: 2014-1-16 03:11 PM
thanks
作者: pkmhacker 時間: 2014-1-16 05:05 PM
This is so weird and boring.
Some chinglish words are used.
C:2/7
L:3/7
O:2/7
作者: EtaCarinae 時間: 2014-1-16 11:08 PM
引用:
原帖由 pkmhacker 於 2014-1-16 05:05 PM 發表
This is so weird and boring.
Some chinglish words are used.
C:2/7
L:3/7
O:2/7
我上年作文都拎LV3，差少少LV4(有買分紙，15+14 / 12+14 = 136/210..差幾分LV4)
今年不進反退?
陰公，咁我想問有咩要改善?
我諗第時真係唔好叫人評GRADE..好大打擊
[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-16 11:09 PM 編輯 ]
作者: Megaphone 時間: 2014-1-16 11:23 PM
引用:
原帖由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-16 11:08 PM 發表
咁計法咪LV2都冇...
我上年作文都拎LV3，差少少LV4(有買分紙，15+14 / 12+14 = 136/210..差幾分LV4)
今年不進反退?
陰公，咁我想問有咩要改善?
我諗第時真係唔好叫人評GRADE..好大打擊
第一 呢到大部分都係學生唔係marker 兩者睇野好唔如 就算係marker比既分都可以差好遠 更何況係學生?
第二 呢到一定有d專門擾敵既人(不要對號入座) 明明好既都講到垃圾
所以得個睇字算lol
作者: 精進作文鳥 時間: 2014-2-8 02:12 PM
The influences of wars are very deep, including the shrinking of population and the violence among the societies. A good example of this is the war of Middle East. It is the differences between Islam and Christianity that causes the war among those countries. The armies always kill the citizens wrongly. They may be a foreign reporter, a parent of a child… Violence among the societies are stem from the wars as well. Nationals may rob other’s possessions or attack people during the war. Harmony is not a word in the dictionary of those societies. So terrible is the war in our Earth.
呢段好深奧 訊息量奇大
作者: anguslee1997@ym 時間: 2014-8-19 11:49 AM
lv 4 la
作者: Engtutor 時間: 2014-8-23 05:39 PM
批改英文作文服務
根據調查，寫作係普遍香港學生英語水平中最弱既一範。唔想被寫作卷拉底英文科成績而影響入U機會？咁你就要趁早搵辦法改善寫作能力啦！
寫作並不是practice便能makes perfect. 你需要既係一位用心既老師為你批改作文，準確地指出你既錯誤，並且提供有用既改善方法！試問學校老師每日要改上百份功課，又點會有心機為你做到以上幾點？天皇天后亦只會派助手隨便為你打個分數，寫幾句模凌兩可既評語交差。
本人為香港中文大學英文系二年級生，具多年補習經驗，LV.1 至LV.5** 既作文我都批改過，因此深深明白學生常犯錯誤及失分原因。為更有效地幫助同學改善寫作能力、取得更高分數，本人提供既批改服務會有以下特點：
→ 100% 按照考評局marking scheme 批改
→ 詳細解釋你犯下的grammatical mistakes
→ 最少100 字評語
→ 建議改善方法
→ 估計level
費用及付款方法：
每篇 ＄60 ，過數到銀行戶口（恆生）
交文方法：
將入數紙及作文(以Microsoft Word 格式) 傳送到電子郵箱，三天內會以電郵回覆，發還已批改好的作文。
有意請inbox問我戶口number同email
作者: yuenmc19931026 時間: 2016-12-26 09:44 PM
RUBBISH
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