godofeng

del左 仲推舊文-,-

[ 本帖最後由 godofeng 於 2013-4-10 02:30 PM 編輯 ]

sai1991ku

'I will move on to my second point on how nuclear energy can generate large amounts of energy, most of today's nuclear energy comes from uranium and the basic energy fact is that the fisson of an atom of uranium produces several million times the energy produced by the combustion of an atom or carbon from coal. '

「,」 「 .」
我個澳洲eng teacher上次先話我30多字太長,你呢句都........66字.....marker都沒心機read 啦
唔好忘記markers改好多份ge咁樣重衰過千字文
complex XDxP

重要有grammar error......分分鐘唔見左1-2個grade

godofeng

沉迷落去chem到 一寫就會上手
um可吾可以more specific about grammar error..
你仲好講 你篇野比我仲長啦= =

sai1991ku

First, you should reduce the number of a sentense that is important for you to clearly express your ideas.

e.G

'....how nuclear energy can generate large amounts of energy....'

Since this energy produced more energy than others is a truth so you don't need to emphasize the possibility of its power produce,'can'.
Instead of that, you should emphasize its advantage compared with fossil fuel and renowanle energy.
Otherwise, your writing would turn into a chem book.
'.....most of today's nuclear energy comes from uranium and the basic energy fact is that .....'不明

godofeng

most of today's nuclear energy comes from uranium and the basic energy fact is that<<chemical effect,regarding fisson of uranium,something out of my chem notes
but its out-syl sooo most students dont know about this fact

[ 本帖最後由 godofeng 於 2013-1-25 02:38 PM 編輯 ]

autodidactsara

對markers面言：長句無文法錯、無古怪的字詞配搭，就不會難看。godofeng的長句不錯。

sai1991ku

但咁多長句會不會令marker feel 沉氣

godofeng

會架....Typical marker:唉 今日改甘多 改一份得$20...(saw my essay) FxxK 又長又悶 比個2你

autodidactsara

I don't think that they will feel 沉氣... they feel so if a student, in a piece of writing, keeps talking about the same thing in a number of sentences, or if he or she unconsciously talks about something else.

E.g. The second benefit of small-class teaching is that students receive more attention from the teachers. Since teachers only need to teach around 20 students in each class, they can spend more time on teaching each student. Students will also behave themselves in a small classroom because they will be aware of the fact that they are being "watched" more closely. The teachers can also focus on each of the students' needs and teach him or her. So, the class will become harmonious and teachers will feel less stressful.
(I wrote it myself - and this is a BAD example.)

godofeng

So u mean that all I need to write is to attract and somehow hypnotize into my essay?But wont topics such as social issues and debate stray on the venge of boring?Cant really seem to find a way to write a topic on debating that kinda seems entertaining to the marker...hmm
I could do that with poems and short stories tho

autodidactsara

I didn't say so. What I mean is: write well - then well done~

Somehow I believe that clear thinking and expressions can make a dull topic look less dull.

godofeng

hmmm i'll bear that in mind..

jacqueline0426

係our dear opponent ← debate用語, 我以前打debate
第一件事一定係, 你支唔支持, 文字要好淺白, today's motion must stand/ must not stand
I would be discussing → I would like to discuss

句子太chunky, 唔夠 concise同precise
開頭直接係environmental, economic aspects DONE!
see VS recognise VS understand
無實例, elaboration都唔係好算係, 只不過係來黎來去都係講埋同一樣野, 你要真係同其他energy有comparision eg fossil fuel(coal) emission of carbon dioxide →global warming ( X Greenhouse effect ) →the ices at the poles melts, habitat...
→ content 分上唔到好高
grammar → tense 好多都錯
I will move on to my second point → 好簡單: Secondly/ Next 或者link上面transition都得, 但係呢句咁寫先唔似debate

BONBO

整體上都算唔錯 但有D野要注意一下:

有 RUN-ON SENTENCES (WHICH ARE CONSIDERED FATAL FLAWS)

I will move on to my second point on how nuclear energy can generate large amounts of energy, most of today's nuclear energy comes from uranium and the basic energy fact is that the fisson of an atom of uranium produces several million times the energy produced by the combustion of an atom or carbon from coal.

Providing more energy in such a short time means that the efficiency of nuclear energy production leads to more business profits regarding electricity transfer,just think of the outcome considering several millions of extra dollars earned per day!

無 FINITE VERB ( FATAL MISTAKE AGAIN )

With safety ensured by known facts,massive income for the country with better efficiency based on energy per hour,and less environmental harmful pollutant emmisions

另外你既句子太長之餘缺乏 COMMA , SEMICOLON , DASH 等符號分割句子 會影響 READABILITY

godofeng

tense有咩錯可以point out?

mole

引用:

原帖由 MNjason 於 2013-1-24 11:50 PM 發表
To put it bluntly, I didn't really like u, as u always boast about your brilliant IELTS results, giving me a thought that you're a haughty guy.
But it's indisputable that your article is good.

I s ...

u are very nice;D