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[Eng] 英文作文改評(3)

英文作文改評(3)

Write an essay on the following topic: “As a young person, you must have a lot of dream. If you were granted the opportunity to fulfill ONE dream, what would that be? Why would you want that one dream to come true?”


A dream that may not be fulfilled



    Everyone has their own dreams, especially youngsters. It is because there are plenty of possibilities in their life. As a member of them, I, myself, have various kinds of dreams which I really want to reach them. However, there are lots of dreams that they cannot be controlled by me. For myself, I want to be a war reporter due to the attention of related people in the wars. For my parents, I hope they are long life. For my society, I aim she can become more harmonious. For the world, I wish she is peaceful. Nevertheless, those cannot be reached easily by myself. But if I were provided a chance to fulfill my dream, I would choose the last one.

    The influences of wars are very deep, including the shrinking of population and the violence among the societies. A good example of this is the war of Middle East. It is the differences between Islam and Christianity that causes the war among those countries. The armies always kill the citizens wrongly. They may be a foreign reporter, a parent of a child… Violence among the societies are stem from the wars as well. Nationals may rob other’s possessions or attack people during the war. Harmony is not a word in the dictionary of those societies. So terrible is the war in our Earth.

    The fear of war leads to my dream of world peace. If my dream can be reached successfully, it is what a wonderful world. Imagine that it is a world with no wars. No people are killed because of the wars. The children can live with their fellow parents in a beautiful house with health. And the war reporters? Their works will certainly be cancelled but leave the post with happiness. It is confidences among citizens that make the harmonious communities. People can trust someone around them. People can believe that no one will attack themselves because of wars. We all can lives in those secure places which are the paradise for us. Such a beautiful world is our Earth.

     Therefore, the reason of fulfilling my dream is that human can lives in the peaceful world. In fact, my other dreams can also be reached by fulfilling the dream of having a peaceful world. Nonetheless, I have no opportunity to reach one of my dream which is being a war reporter. Actually, who really wants to be a member of them? I am happy if there are no jobs for the war reporters. I am happy if my dream can be reached.

[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-11 12:00 AM 編輯 ]
   

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樓主你要知道放文上小卒改預左好慘烈
好老實如果你真係係限時作到依篇文已經好過好多學生
好多人改文係當正你用成個星期黎作..然後再慢慢搵你錯誤點,咁當然係評得好差
但唔難發現EAA既LV5 SAMPLE文都有唔少GRAMMAR錯,甚至係串錯低層次既字
根本要係咁短時間作一篇好好既文係冇咩可能

btw grade我唔敢比,因為老師先係最知道你係咩grade
但如果真係考試都作到咁,我覺得有lv5
始終你既grammar唔算係錯得太多,句式都有d變化,而且句與句連繫幾多
只不過寫自己野真係會好過寫d大路野
   

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[隱藏]
引用:
原帖由 clavin369 於 2014-1-16 02:06 AM 發表
d老師識條春咩
DSE只要英文有4
五科拎4都唔洗 就入到教院
6年後你就可以教英文



教院唔係一定要英文5咩
同埋中學好少請教院仔...
只可以講如果連老師都係亂改,好多人係網上就更加係亂黎

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