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[Eng] 英文作文改評(3)

英文作文改評(3)

Write an essay on the following topic: “As a young person, you must have a lot of dream. If you were granted the opportunity to fulfill ONE dream, what would that be? Why would you want that one dream to come true?”


A dream that may not be fulfilled



    Everyone has their own dreams, especially youngsters. It is because there are plenty of possibilities in their life. As a member of them, I, myself, have various kinds of dreams which I really want to reach them. However, there are lots of dreams that they cannot be controlled by me. For myself, I want to be a war reporter due to the attention of related people in the wars. For my parents, I hope they are long life. For my society, I aim she can become more harmonious. For the world, I wish she is peaceful. Nevertheless, those cannot be reached easily by myself. But if I were provided a chance to fulfill my dream, I would choose the last one.

    The influences of wars are very deep, including the shrinking of population and the violence among the societies. A good example of this is the war of Middle East. It is the differences between Islam and Christianity that causes the war among those countries. The armies always kill the citizens wrongly. They may be a foreign reporter, a parent of a child… Violence among the societies are stem from the wars as well. Nationals may rob other’s possessions or attack people during the war. Harmony is not a word in the dictionary of those societies. So terrible is the war in our Earth.

    The fear of war leads to my dream of world peace. If my dream can be reached successfully, it is what a wonderful world. Imagine that it is a world with no wars. No people are killed because of the wars. The children can live with their fellow parents in a beautiful house with health. And the war reporters? Their works will certainly be cancelled but leave the post with happiness. It is confidences among citizens that make the harmonious communities. People can trust someone around them. People can believe that no one will attack themselves because of wars. We all can lives in those secure places which are the paradise for us. Such a beautiful world is our Earth.

     Therefore, the reason of fulfilling my dream is that human can lives in the peaceful world. In fact, my other dreams can also be reached by fulfilling the dream of having a peaceful world. Nonetheless, I have no opportunity to reach one of my dream which is being a war reporter. Actually, who really wants to be a member of them? I am happy if there are no jobs for the war reporters. I am happy if my dream can be reached.

[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-11 12:00 AM 編輯 ]
   

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[隱藏]
陰公好似作得好差咁
老實我係RETAKER黎
上年英文拎3 (3323)
自問上年英文係差到 i am play balls..唔知by/ on等等既字後面個verb要+ing,亦唔識好多句法 但都拎到3..
買埋卷作文都係lv3頭差d lv4
今年進步左好似反而退步咁既



即係作文係唔應該寫世界性問題
而係關於自己既問題多d?

另外個題目其實唔算負面..
我係想講我的確係想做戰地記者,但如果世界和平的話,我當然寧願唔想依個夢想可以實現..
唔可以咁寫咁應該點換個題目?

[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-11 02:03 AM 編輯 ]

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推推推推推

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好,我會再改善

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引用:
原帖由 pkmhacker 於 2014-1-16 05:05 PM 發表
This is so weird and boring.
Some chinglish words are used.
C:2/7
L:3/7
O:2/7
咁計法咪LV2都冇...
我上年作文都拎LV3,差少少LV4(有買分紙,15+14 / 12+14 = 136/210..差幾分LV4)
今年不進反退?

陰公,咁我想問有咩要改善?
我諗第時真係唔好叫人評GRADE..好大打擊

[ 本帖最後由 EtaCarinae 於 2014-1-16 11:09 PM 編輯 ]

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