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[Eng] DSE Eng Writing 求評(2014)

DSE Eng Writing 求評(2014)

5. Learning English through Workplace Communication

The Hong Kong Daily is asking students to submit an article about their summer job experiences. You were employed as a costumed character performer in one of the local  theme parks last summer. In your article, write about your typical working day, and the good things and bad things  about your job. Write the article.

                                                                                                      Amazing Working Experience in Disneyland
When it comes to looking for a summer job, most of the students feel bored and meaningless because rarely do the companies in the market provide us a meaningful post which will be beneficial to our future development. Luckily, I was invited by my career teacher to participate in Disneyland's Summer Youth Employment Program that allowed me to work as a costumed character performer even though I did not have any professional qualifications or related job experience last summer. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to share my fantastic typical working day experience, and the good things and bad things about this job.

My typical working day
I had to arrive at 8:00am as my supervisor would come at 8:30am. In the wake of the roll call, he started to deliver duties for every performers who has joined the summer employment program. I could choose either taking photos with visitors under hot weather or promoting products with a team in an air-conditioned environment. The performers would be blinded after dressing up so each performer needed to work with two dedicated supporters who were responsible for his/her safety. After the lunchtime from 2:00pm to 3:00pm, all the performers needed to prepare for the demonstration beginning at 4:00pm. Base on the theme of that day, the manager arranged different performers to act as different cartoon characters, like Mickey and Donald duck.
Although most of the employees continued their duties after the demonstration, it had already come to the end of my typical working day as I was a temporary worker. Then, I left Disneyland at around 5:30pm.

Good things- wonderful welfare
One obvious advantage of working in Disneyland was the attractive compensation system, be it direct or non-direct compensation. The salary of a costumed character performer was sixty dollars per hour. Comparing with normal summer jobs, like salesman and cleaner, my income was nearly double of them. In term of non-direct compensation, there were a lunch subsidy of 100 dollars every day and three staff ticket every month.

Bad things-workload and working environment
Not only did I need to act as the cartoon characters in front of visitors, but also need to tidy up the dressing room where stores the clothes for performance. So heavy was my workload that I had to arrive early in order to prepare for it. Besides, the working environment of the costumed character performers was extremely undesirable. It was indisputable that dressing a heavy clothes with poor ventilation under horrible sunshine has made me crazy for the whole summer holiday. So poor was the ventilation that I could not enjoy the feeling of cool even though I was working in the shop with air-conditioner.  




[ 本帖最後由 chipang 於 2014-8-14 08:41 PM 編輯 ]
   

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[隱藏]
求大師評grammar及內容

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呢條咁似2012 ge part A ge......
The Chinese University of Hong Kong

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5. Learning English through Workplace Communication

The Hong Kong Daily is asking students to submit an article about their summer job experiences. You were employed as a costumed character performer in one of the local  theme parks last summer. In your article, write about your typical working day, and the good things and bad things  about your job. Write the article.

Amazing Working Experiences in Disneyland

When it comes to looking for summer jobs, most students might not be lucky enough to get one that is beneficial to their future career development as such job opportunities are rarely available on the market.

Last summer, I was very fortunate to have been invited by my career teacher to participate in Disneyland's Summer Youth Employment Program that allowed me to work as a costumed character performer even though I had neither professional qualifications nor related job experience.

A typical working day

I began work at 8:00am, half an hour before my supervisor's arrival.  After the roll call, he started to assign duties to each performer on the summer employment program. I could choose between taking photos with visitors under the hot weather and promoting products in a team in an air-conditioned environment. The performers would not be able to see anything after dressing up, so each performer needed to work with two dedicated helpers who were responsible for his/her safety. After the lunchtime from 2:00pm to 3:00pm, all the performers needed to prepare for the parade beginning at 4:00pm. Based on the theme of the day, the manager arranged different performers to act as different cartoon characters, like Mickey and Donald Duck.  Although most performers were still on duty after the parade, I called it a day as I was a part-time performer, and I left Disneyland at around 5:30pm.

Wonderful welfare

One obvious advantage of working in Disneyland was the attractive compensation system, be it direct or non-direct compensation. The salary of a costumed character performer was sixty dollars per hour, which was nearly double that of a typical  summer job such as a salesman's job or a cleaner's.  In terms of non-direct compensation, there were a daily lunch subsidy of 100 dollars and three staff tickets per month.

Heavy workload and undesirable working environment

Not only did I need to act as cartoon characters in front of visitors, but I also needed to tidy up the dressing room where costumes were stored. So heavy was my workload that I had to arrive early for the preparations.  Moreover, the working environment of the costumed character performers was extremely undesirable. Wearing heavy clothes with poor ventilation under the sunlight drove me crazy during the whole summer holiday. So poor was ventilation that I had no feeling of coolness even though I worked in an air-conditioning environment.




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thx, but could you listed out my grammatical problem in the para and my weakness

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整體不錯,但間中用字不精準,如parade, not demonstration, 句式錯誤,如not only ... but also。我建議你仔細睇下我怎樣改你篇文



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多謝你的意見,我會仔細睇

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歡迎各位再提出批判

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push

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我想問你點拿到14 dse ge question?
The Chinese University of Hong Kong

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引用:
原帖由 sai1991ku 於 2014-8-16 11:43 PM 發表
我想問你點拿到14 dse ge question?
Would you mind to share your comment about my writing?

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I push

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個人覺得呢條要識okay 多adj+sentence structure先好作.......重好考literal devices
你唔係有練開Learning English through Short story 唔好作......

When it comes to looking for summer jobs, most students might not be lucky enough to get one that is beneficial to their future career development as such job opportunities are rarely available on the market.<--------駁得太長.........'come to'<----「怪+怪+怪=好怪」
有d唔明........唔係好識同你執......
When looking for a summer job(<---其實好似有d多餘cloud the meaning of this sentence), most of us fail to find a job with beneficial efforts on the development of their career ....

Most of us failed to find a job with beneficial efforts on the development of their career during this summer.....定你意思係咁


Such opportunities, indeed, are rare in the labor market.
(句子太長令reader睇得辛苦+難明除非必要)(我補習阿sir 曾叫我不好-駁得太長)
(有錯請指正 )
(利申: 我d Eng都係麻麻....作文有時d sentence structure都生硬)come to: https://hk.dictionary.search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=A2oKslfphfFTWSQAYmXFoolQ;_ylc=X1MDMTM1MTE5NzM4MQRfcgMyBGJjawNjbTM5NDVsOThwZWgzJTI2YiUzRDQlMjZkJTNEeTR1SkRRaHBZRjhFYW5aOGRwbkdZdnVxeVhrLSUyNnMlM0Q0OCUyNmklM0RUSkxhXzFpbW5ycEdWdEpjLmZJVQRmcgN5ZnAEZ3ByaWQDQlFmb3BWVGhURWUuOGdRTDQzb3hpQQRtdGVzdGlkA251bGwEbl9yc2x0AzM2BG5fc3VnZwMxMARvcmlnaW4DaGsuZGljdGlvbmFyeS5zZWFyY2gueWFob28uY29tBHBvcwMxBHBxc3RyA2NvbWUgdARwcXN0cmwDNgRxc3RybAM3BHF1ZXJ5A2NvbWUgdG8EdF9zdG1wAzE0MDgzMzc1NjE2MjIEdnRlc3RpZANudWxs?gprid=BQfopVThTEe.8gQL43oxiA&pvid=LVbFTDEwNi7LDSQtUoy6Iw0INDIuMlPxhen_upTI&p=come+to&fr2=sa-gp-hk.dictionary.search.yahoo.com&fr=yfp&limlangpair=

[ 本帖最後由 sai1991ku 於 2014-8-19 10:04 AM 編輯 ]
The Chinese University of Hong Kong

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i see

[ 本帖最後由 theo00 於 2014-8-21 10:59 AM 編輯 ]

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