GrimotLai

2016 DSE English Paper 2 Part A
希望大家幫手評論下呢篇文，同大約有咩level? Thank you!!

Question: You are the President of the Student Union at your school. You are preparing a speech to welcome new students on the first day of school. In order to help students achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, you want to talk about the following in your speech:

-importance of following school rules and
-importance of interpersonal relationships.

Answer (The part with brackets was originally on the question-answer book)
(Good morning Principal, teachers and fellow students,

On behalf of the Students' Union, I'd like to welcome all of you to our school, I'm sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I'd like to give you some advice.)

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced. Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime if you face any difficulties.

[ 本帖最後由 GrimotLai 於 2020-3-31 01:55 PM 編輯 ]

GrimotLai

anyone please?

kelvin0714

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. (avoid sentence like ‘there are’) Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. (new paragraph) First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. (new paragraph) Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.
(Should insert a bridging paragraph.)

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. (new paragraph) Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. (new paragraph) Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced (encounter). Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend(s) could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could (could also) lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime (anytime) if you face any difficulties. (Conclusion can be longer.)
Comments:


Content: Fair account on the importance of school rules and interpersonal relationships. Can include your own personal experiences in the speech. (4/7)


Language: Should have a more wide variety of vocabulary. Try to use synonyms of interpersonal relationships like bonding, affiliation, communication, companionship, etc. You should also use a wide variety of sentence patterns like passive voice, repetition, inversion, conditional sentences, participle phrases, etc. (4/7)


Organization: You should have a stronger of audience awareness. Use a more friendly tone and include more words like 'students' and 'you'. You should also ask rhetorical questions to engage the audience. Paragraphing can be also improved. Should also insert a bridging paragraph. (3/7)



Note: I was a 2016 DSE candidate and got 5** in English writing.

kelvin0714

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. (avoid sentence like ‘there are’) Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. (new paragraph) First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. (new paragraph) Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.
(Should insert a bridging paragraph.)

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. (new paragraph) Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. (new paragraph) Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced (encounter). Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend(s) could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could (could also) lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime (anytime) if you face any difficulties. (Conclusion can be longer.)
Comments:


Content: Fair account on the importance of school rules and interpersonal relationships. Can include your own personal experiences in the speech. (4/7)


Language: Should have a more wide variety of vocabulary. Try to use synonyms of interpersonal relationships like bonding, affiliation, communication, companionship, etc. You should also use a wide variety of sentence patterns like passive voice, repetition, inversion, conditional sentences, participle phrases, etc. (4/7)


Organization: You should have a stronger of audience awareness. Use a more friendly tone and include more words like 'students' and 'you'. You should also ask rhetorical questions to engage the audience. Paragraphing can be also improved. Should also insert a bridging paragraph. (3/7)



Note: I was a 2016 DSE candidate and got 5** in English writing.

kelvin0714

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. (avoid sentence like ‘there are’) Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. (new paragraph) First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. (new paragraph) Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.
(Should insert a bridging paragraph.)

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. (new paragraph) Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. (new paragraph) Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced (encounter). Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend(s) could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could (could also) lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime (anytime) if you face any difficulties. (Conclusion can be longer.)
Comments:


Content: Fair account on the importance of school rules and interpersonal relationships. Can include your own personal experiences in the speech. (4/7)


Language: Should have a more wide variety of vocabulary. Try to use synonyms of interpersonal relationships like bonding, affiliation, communication, companionship, etc. You should also use a wide variety of sentence patterns like passive voice, repetition, inversion, conditional sentences, participle phrases, etc. (4/7)


Organization: You should have a stronger of audience awareness. Use a more friendly tone and include more words like 'students' and 'you'. You should also ask rhetorical questions to engage the audience. Paragraphing can be also improved. Should also insert a bridging paragraph. (3/7)



Note: I was a 2016 DSE candidate and got 5** in English writing.

kelvin0714

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. (avoid sentence like ‘there are’) Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. (new paragraph) First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. (new paragraph) Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.
(Should insert a bridging paragraph.)

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. (new paragraph) Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. (new paragraph) Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced (encounter). Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend(s) could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could (could also) lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime (anytime) if you face any difficulties. (Conclusion can be longer.)
Comments:


Content: Fair account on the importance of school rules and interpersonal relationships. Can include your own personal experiences in the speech. (4/7)


Language: Should have a more wide variety of vocabulary. Try to use synonyms of interpersonal relationships like bonding, affiliation, communication, companionship, etc. You should also use a wide variety of sentence patterns like passive voice, repetition, inversion, conditional sentences, participle phrases, etc. (4/7)


Organization: You should have a stronger of audience awareness. Use a more friendly tone and include more words like 'students' and 'you'. You should also ask rhetorical questions to engage the audience. Paragraphing can be also improved. Should also insert a bridging paragraph. (3/7)



Note: I was a 2016 DSE candidate and got 5** in English writing.

kelvin0714

To commence with, there are two crucial things which have significant importance for secondary school students. (avoid sentence like ‘there are’) Especially for new students, following school rules and having good interpersonal relationships can help you to study happily.

School rules listed out what you should and should not do at school, be disciplined, wear appropriate school uniform, not to bully your schoolmates and so on. Following what your student handbook says could have several benefits. (new paragraph) First of all, you could leave better first impression to your teachers and classmates. Deplorable relationship with them could easily make you depressed. Classmates can be your good friends if you are disciplined and follow every single school rule. You could have an enjoyable school life if you do so. (new paragraph) Secondly, you could learn how to communicate with others. Through following rules, you could be more polite and understand how important it is not to hurt others. School is like a smaller-scale society. Following school rules is just as important as following laws. In the future, you can easily achieve success.
(Should insert a bridging paragraph.)

For interpersonal relationships, there are also numerous advantages. Friends are extremely important during your secondary school journey. If you have great relations with them, they could help you when you feel down and provide you with some advice. (new paragraph) Additionally, having great connections with others could also make your school life delightful. You could play sports with them at school, participate in activities together such as Swimming Gala and Singing contest or even ask them for movies during holidays or weekends. I am sure that your school life would not be tedious if you make a lot of friends. (new paragraph) Also, you can learn to be friendlier and how to get along with others. Higher popularity in society could help you to weather different obstacles you faced (encounter). Imagine you need some financial support unfortunately, friend(s) could help you if you are friendly to them normally. It also could (could also) lead you to success through others' help.

Hope my advice could assist you to achieve success and have a great school life at school, as long as in society. Feel free to find me at everytime (anytime) if you face any difficulties. (Conclusion can be longer.)
Comments:


Content: Fair account on the importance of school rules and interpersonal relationships. Can include your own personal experiences in the speech. (4/7)


Language: Should have a more wide variety of vocabulary. Try to use synonyms of interpersonal relationships like bonding, affiliation, communication, companionship, etc. You should also use a wide variety of sentence patterns like passive voice, repetition, inversion, conditional sentences, participle phrases, etc. (4/7)


Organization: You should have a stronger of audience awareness. Use a more friendly tone and include more words like 'students' and 'you'. You should also ask rhetorical questions to engage the audience. Paragraphing can be also improved. Should also insert a bridging paragraph. (3/7)



Note: I was a 2016 DSE candidate and got 5** in English writing.