括住係改左
題目:Your school recently took part in a “No Air-con Day” event to highlight the importance of saving energy. Your teacher would like you to write an article about this event for the school yearbook. The title of the article is, “A Day without Air-con”
Can you imagine the dilemma of studying in a stuffy room without an air-con and with the sweat flowing on your forehead? I have never [] thought about this until an event called “No Air-con Day” was held in our school last month. From this dreadful yet thought-provoking experience, I surely learnt a lesson about the importance of conserving our environment.
Last month, our school took part in a “No Air-con Day” organized by an environmental protection group, Green Peace. This program aimed at advocating the utmost importance of protecting our environment which has been destroyed greatly by our industrial activities and the prevalence of vehicles generating a myriad of pollutants. Therefore, through running this program can the awareness of environmental conservation be inculcated into students’ mind. This program was simply held through stopping the use of air conditioners for a day no matter how hot the weather was.
Initially, every classmates, including me, could not withstand such a harsh situation and numerous complaints were sparked off. As the temperature that day was unexpectedly high and the air was full of moistures, the overall weather condition was just intolerable at all. We just kept perspiring and some took out an electric fan to soothe [our] discomfort and discontentment. Some even blamed the school for depriving their rights of enjoying lessons under a cozy environment and surprisingly[.] [Not] only did my classmates murmur at the school’s inhumane decision, our usually solemn teachers also succumbed to such an insufferable condition and asked us to self-study. However, though I was also soaked in an atmosphere full of bizarre smell and the murmur stemming from around the corners of the classroom, I sincerely asked myself a question: what was the aim of this program and what lesson did I learn via it?
Most importantly, I could benefit a lot from this program, both physically and mentally. The teenagers nowadays, including me, always incline to take things for granted due to the increasing level of materialism and the pursuit [of] higher living standard. There is no denying that the ability of dealing with hardships is relatively low among us and only a few of us can persevere in [] difficulties and triumph over them eventually as we cannot even withstand such a little discomfort without the air-con, let alone exert ourselves to overcome the hardships in order to become successful. What’s more, we definitely have to shoulder the responsibilities to protect our environment as we have to advocate the importance of sustainable development. If everyone of us can take a minor step to reduce the energy consumption like using fans instead of air-conditioners, switching off the idle electrical appliances, we will contribute much less burden to our environment, resulting in a relief to the heavily deprived environment.
[as appears too many times.They can be replaced by while , whereas etc]
Remember that the future is in our own hands[].[The] burden we put on the environment will surely turn into the irreparable problems in the future. Therefore, do concern more about the environment instead of yourselves and put our heads together to conserve the environment together!
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The content is generally ok. But it seems that u use many complicated structures and vocab intentionally. For me, using a variety of structures is good, but I think fluency is more important . Other than using difficult words, making ur compo more readable and concise is of greater importance. Like Chings have said before, some of ur sentences are too long. It's not a big problem, but if u do that , u should use more conjunction or linking words to link your ideas.
Let's talk about the content. There's one thing u didn't mention, climate change. That's why many environmental groups are urging ppl to conserve energy. Surely u hv to pretend that u really care about the environment, but u ought to elaborate more. For example, using air-con for longer time means that more energy will be wasted and more carbon dioxide will be produced. If human don't do something for that, our earth will be further destroyed with the ice in North Pole and Arctic Pole melting. This is a more complete elaboration, and can show that u are familiar with what's going on in the Earth. Yet ur ideas are mostly logical. For me, ur content can achieve a 5, instead of 6 and 7.
The key for u to get the highest grade is ur content.When deal with some simple questions, how can u stand out?Give more examples and show ur convincing arguments. So for me, answering questions about current issues is easier for me to get a good result. You have already learnt a lot of beautiful expressions, so now what u hv to do is to use them accurately and focus more on ur content.
However, I am not a professional marker. I can't give u an exact grade since my opinions may be wrong. But I am sure content is of the greatest importance if u want to achieve a good result
